I want my MTV

It seems not many noticed MTV turned 30 recently.

Not even MTV.

August 1st, 1981 was the day MTV officially went on the air. Back then MTV played music videos and only music videos. Sprinkled among the videos were news specials about, you guessed it, music. In fact, MTV is short for Music Television. *This paragraph was designed for my readers under 30*

As MTV aged it became less and less about music and more and more about pop culture.

To find music on MTV now you have to hear it as a soundtrack to reality shows featuring idiotic men and equally stupid women in various stages of destroying their lives.

Think about it, you have "Jersey Shore" which basically makes everyone in middle America root for global warming to speed up so the entire state of New Jersey would be covered by the ocean. In this show you have young, skanky, vile people showing the world how to make yourself a candidate for genocide. That may be a bit harsh, but groups of people have been killed throughout history for less.

We could send them to Canada, but the cost of treating the STDs in this group would bring the national health care system to its knees.

Then there's the abomination called "16 and Pregnant." I'll admit I've watched this show. If it's serving as a cautionary tale then it's failing miserably considering there's been more than one season. Yes indeed MTV, nothing like a little domestic violence between a family to boost ratings.

The Alpha Male establishing its dominance.

If you've ever seen this show you know it's pretty clear why these kids get pregnant. It's not a one-time mistake or the product of a night of teenage heavy petting gone wrong. It's the culmination of a lifetime of bad decisions. Same goes for the spin off show "Teen Mom," which I like to call "Dumb ass: The Sequel." *Sorry about the language, mom. Love you.*

MTV tries to cover for it's trash TV programming by adding the disclaimer during the pregnant shows saying pregnancy is 100% preventable and then tells viewers to talk to a parent, school counselor or go to their website to find out how.

Oh for the sake of all things ... IT'S SIMPLE! DON'T LET SOMEONE PUT THEIR HOO-HOO DILLY IN YOUR CHA-CHA!!!!!!  *Both "hoo-hoo dilly" and "cha-cha" are scientific names. Don't look it up, just take my word for it.*

But "Teen Mom" shows how these kids grow up and do the responsible thing for the new young lives they brought into this world, right?

Oh for heaven's sake man, find your balls and defend yourself! You presumably have them because you knocked up this crazy person. Call the cops! Get a restraining order! File for sole custody! DO SOMETHING!!!

Guess not.

Remember when these folks were the worst thing a young person could see on MTV?

Happy Birthday MTV. Here's wishing you would have joined The 27 Club.

Perseverance, arrogance or madness?

While driving home last night from another fulfilling, life-affirming night of working at a newspaper I heard a Public Service Announcement about perseverance.


The point of the PSA was to encourage folks to keep on keeping on despite obvious shortcomings and failures. The PSA used the 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln as the example.

Maybe I should have been a logger?

Lincoln is often cited for his never quit attitude. Never giving up is an admirable trait, but at some point one has to think that all the trial and tribulation isn't worth it. If you ask me, Lincoln is the LAST person our society should hold up as a symbol of all things good in staying the course.

Lincoln battled a nervous breakdown, lost numerous elections for state and national offices, failed at business twice, etc.

"But Scott, he was young during all of that and he eventually became president."

OK fine. He became president after years of defeat and failure on many different levels. But was it all worth it? Seriously?

Everything he did led up to this ...

WOW! THAT STINGS!!!!

So what does this all mean? I'll tell you young readers. I'll break this out in large type so you can copy it, print it and hang it inside your cubicles, lockers or where ever you may need some realistic inspiration.

Work hard, stay focused on your goals and get shot in the back of the head by a jealous a-hole.

Getting shot in the head can be either literally or figuratively. Either way you're pretty much screwed. 

Now there's advice much more useful that that frigging cat hanging from the tree limb.

Will heaven have a strip club?

Comedian Tim Wilson once sang a song that asked if he could "get to Heaven on a technicality."

We've heard many songs saying what an artist wants in Heaven.

"If Heaven ain't a lot like Dixie."  "Cold Beer in Heaven." "How Many Marlboro Miles to Heaven."  Just to name a few.

But the questions that came to my mind today were: Will there be strip clubs in Heaven? If so, will the poles be made of gold? If there are strip clubs there, wouldn't that imply there will be currency, namely dollar bills? But it being Heaven, wouldn't the dollar bill be replaced by the $50 bill as the currency? (Wow, it's like I entered a competition to see how much blasphemy I could fit in a paragraph.)

If there are clubs in Heaven, then some ladies in Texas will have a, ahem, leg up on the rest of us when they get there.


Pole Dancing for Jesus is a way pole dancing studio owner Crystal Deans combined her faith with her former vocation. Deans opens her studio to church-going women the second Sunday of every month. A woman can get in for free with a church bulletin. They then slither around the poles to contemporary Christian music.

Members of the modern day Christian Temperance movement?

Holy Book of Revelation, Batman!

Seriously people, I can't make this stuff up. I have a pretty good imagination, but dang!

This is in no way hot. Nothing to see here.

 “I was actually a dancer for 3 years, probably 7 years ago or so. I did it for awhile, it’s not something I felt very rewarded with, but to each his own and it was just something I decided I didn’t want to do anymore so I decided to take the part that I liked about that and bring it here but it’s so much fitness, I don’t teach women to be strippers,” Deans said to a Houston Fox affiliate reporter.

Check out the full story and, yes fellas, video right here: www.myfoxhouston.com/dpp/news/local/110316-pole-dancing-for-jesus

Short shorts. Scant tank tops. 6-inch strap heels! Sure. It's all good.


 “I mean it does the legs. That’s why we wear the shoes. The shoes are good for the legs and the glutes, but it’s a lot of upper body and a lot of core,” said Deans.

So the dancers ... exercisers ... whatever ... says the workout is good for the glutes.

You know, hitting kittens in the head with a 9-iron improves hand-eye coordination — but that still doesn't make it right.

Remember when listening to heavy metal music and getting drunk was the worst thing a Christian could do to themselves?

I can see it now. Happy Hour for Jesus. Bring in your church directory and get $1 shots.

Allah and Angel Dust. A Buddhists guide to enlightenment through meth. I could do this all night!

I remember a lot from my church upbringing and while I admit I don't go to church as often as I should nowadays, I just can't see how this is cool with Jesus.

Something tells me this sort of thing gives Jesus a migraine.

Oy Vey!

Go forth and judge!

Have you ever wished your favorite bands would fight in an epic, battle of the bands, style tournament?

You haven't? What's wrong with you? I'll bet you don't believe that Clint Eastwood is an American treasure.

Clint has had enough of your nonsense.

I'll even bet you think Taylor Swift is a great musician and not just another pop princess destroying the once great music genre known as county.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

I'll bet you have pictures of Karl Marx hanging in your garage? Am I right you dirty commie? I'll spit on your grave!

But I have digressed.

Friend, future doctor and all around swell guy, Luke Damron, has set up another blog which, through a bracket tournament format, allows voters to choose which band or artists they like the best. Check it out at tournamental.wordpress.com/

The early rounds are playing out like expected considering the age of most voters are probably early 30s and younger.

However, I am appalled that ZZ Top only has five votes to the Talking Heads' 14. For goodness sakes people! ZZ Top helped usher thousands of boys into puberty with videos for songs like "Sharp Dressed Man" and "Legs."

The custom red coupe was, and still is, a thing of dreams. Also, who doesn't appreciate the irony in the only member of the band without a beard is named Beard?

That's just my rant. Check out the blog at tournamental.wordpress.com/

We'll discuss later the universal ramifications and what it all means to the space-time continuum of a blog linking to a blog which has posts that can link you back to the original blog.

Your mind is blown. I knew it.

Bill Hicks was right

Comedian Bill Hicks died in 1994.

While I didn't agree with everything Hicks said while on stage, many of his ideas were thought provoking.

Some say he was a genius. Some say he was ahead of his time. I don't know about either one. I just think he had a tremendous grasp on how things worked in the world he saw.

I have a few friends who are very upset with President Obama right now over the decision to join the United Nations allies in a game of "Who wants to blow things up in Libya."

I wonder why the disappointment? Why the surprise? Bill Hicks had all of this figured out after Bill Clinton was elected. *language warning*

He pretty much hits the nail on the head.

But fear not! I'll be here to offer you words of comfort and a guiding hand in these uncertain times. I can be a beacon in the storm of life. What gives me this confidence? Let me show you.

You feel better about things now. Don't you?

What makes a hero?

We all have had heroes at some point in our lives. If you're true to yourself, you simply cannot deny this.

I am no exception to this rule.

Heroes can come from any walk of life. They can inspire greatness and sometimes even disappoint.

Think back to some of your heroes. Were they athletes? Perhaps the leader of a country?

When I was growing up I only had a few heroes.

I looked up to Vance Law, who once played third base for the Chicago Cubs.

He wore glasses and it was a time in my young life when I really needed to see someone other that the cast of "Revenge of the Nerds" wearing glasses. Especially since I wore industrial-strength glasses at all times.

Hello Ladies.

As I grew and started playing football, my heroes changed. Enter Dave Butz and Tony Mandarich.

I could write about how Mandarich could still be a hero for how he makes his living now, (www.mandarichmodels.com) but I won't go in to too much detail seeing as how my wife reads this blog.  (love ya honey!!) I will go out on a limb and say life's probably pretty good for Mr. Mandarich. Well played Mr. Mandarich. Well played.

Through college and my professional years I found myself changing.

Some call it maturity. I doubt that's what it was. After all, look at this blog. Is this the writings of a mature, well adjusted adult?

It wasn't maturity. I think it was burnout. You start out thinking you're free. Free to do or become whatever you want. But, shortly, you realize that you're just another cog in a gigantic machine.

To escape you go to movies and watch larger-than-life characters face the bad guys and come out on top. Some of these characters were fictional and others were real people who overcame amazing odds. Take the likes of Rocky, Rudy, the team in "Hoosiers" were all inspirational.

It was one day while watching a movie with my friend Brian Rawlins that I found my inspiration. My "Rocky" if you will.

I was feeling down in the dumps and wishing there was something I would do to change my outlook and society. It was during this time I met the character "D-Fens"

Michael Douglas played "D-Fens" in the movie "Falling Down."  He was a normal guy who had been pushed to his breaking point by life.  The entire movie is about his subtle, seething rampage across L.A. while trying to get to his daughter for her birthday.  On his way he tackles gangs, racists and utility companies, just to name a few. This scene is one of my favorites. *LANGUAGE WARNING*

 Who hasn't wanted to do this? C'mon. Search you feelings. You know you've wanted to do something like this along the interstate.

After the movie was over I told Brian that I had found my "Rocky."  I think deep down he had found his "Rocky" too. Or at the very least his John McClane.

What separates us from our heroes seems to be ability and consequences. Real life heroes have abilities that we can only dream. Movie heroes do things we wish we could without the consequences.

Lack of ability makes us mortal and I guess without consequences we're just monkeys flinging our poop at one another.

Remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?

How many of you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?

How many of you are actually doing that?

I'll bet the majority aren't doing what they wanted to do when they were kids. Sure, some of us wanted to be astronauts, but how realistic is that?

I wanted to be a trucker. The call of the open road — 18 wheels and freedom!

To add some historical perspective I was a pup during the trucker craze of the late 70s and early 80s.  What young boy back then didn't want to be like The Rubber Duck in the movie "Convoy" or Snowman in "Smokey and the Bandit?" 

But I wanted to be like B.J. McKay (and his best friend Bear.) 

There's no monkey business in this big rig. Oh wait ...

What a great TV show! McKay traveled the country in his red and white Kenworth Cab-over semi. He even had a pet chimp riding shotgun. The following synopsis was taken from www.timstvshowcase.com.

"B.J. McKay was a good-looking young trucker who traveled around the country in his big red and white rig, with a single companion, his pet chimp Bear. Although he logged a lot of miles, B.J. was based in rural Georgia, where he was confronted by a succession of corrupt local sheriffs. Tommy was a lady trucker friend of B.J.'s and Bullets ran the local hangout, the Country Comfort Truck Stop.  

"In the second season B.J. had settled down to run a trucking business in Los Angeles called Bear Enterprises. For B.J., however, corruption seemed to follow where ever he went. His new adversary was Rutherford T. Grant, a corrupt politician who headed the state Special Crimes Action Team. Grant was a silent partner in TransCal, the largest trucking firm in the state, and stopped at nothing to stamp out potential competition. Because of Grant's intervention, B.J. found it impossible to get regular male truck drivers to work for him and he had to settle for a crew of seven beautiful lady truckers."

While I never wanted a chimp, I wanted to have a dog riding shotgun — my personal furry companion on the long road.

Not to mention the women.


The Seven Lady Truckers hired by McKay in L.A. were hot. REAL HOT!

Their leader, in my young mind at the time, was Stacks. Stacks was played by Judy Landers.

Anyone want to guess how she got the CB handle Stacks? Your right! It's because her rig had two amazing chrome exhaust pipes.

What were you thinking?

So that's what I thought trucking was all about. Cruising down the highway in an awesome looking rig, hanging out with hot women and keeping a pet by your side at all times.

But I grew up and realized that trucking isn't all that glamorous.  Truckers don't look like Greg Evigan. They look like this guy

The women wanting to hang out with you at truck stops don't look like Judy Landers.  No, the women waiting for you at truck stops look a lot like this

They're called Lot Lizards and they have a Facebook page. It's true. Look it up.

So I gave up on my trucking dreams.

Being a truck driver is hard work. You're away from home a lot and your back takes a beating from the road. Not to mention hemorrhoids!

As for the female companionship, let's face it, the only beautiful and curvy women to be found at a truck stop now are on mudflaps.

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total, bitchin' rock star from Mars."

I couldn't agree more Mr. Charlie Sheen.


Or, as you shall be referred to in the blog from this day forward, "Great American-1." (GA-1)

No doubt all of you have seen, or at least read, many of GA-1's quotes on his recent media blitz. I think GA-1 is getting a bad rap.

Seriously. Hear me out on this one.

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total, bitchin' rock star from Mars."

You shouldn't have to pretend GA-1. In the eyes of this humble journalist and blogger you are indeed that bitchin' rock star from Mars.

In my mind, anything GA-1 does from here until the end of his days is cool. This of course is limited in that everything he does only harms himself and no innocent bystanders.

What gives GA-1 this pass? One simple reason ...

Mullet, bow and a chicken: Just another Saturday night in Wayne County West Virginia.

He played Topper Harley.

In Hots Shots: Part Deux, Topper Harley was  responsible for creating the bloodiest movie ever made. The character stands at #4 all-time in movie kills according to www.moviebodycounts.com.

This feat was celebrated in the film itself in this classic scene:

It is indeed GA-1's world and we're just merely passengers.

He's living the dream. Granted it's a dream that not many of us aspire to, but it's a dream nonetheless.  If you care to share in this dream check out livethesheendream.com. I'm not going to tell you what that is, just click on it and enjoy wasting the next three hours of you life there.

I don't think GA-1 is alone in his, *ahem*, world view. I think all of Hollywood thinks like he does. The difference is GA-1 now has no publicist in which to filter his thoughts and views.

Is he crazy? Absolutely not! How many of us would like to be so wealthy and secure in our futures we could go on national TV and ramble about things that make absolutely no sense? Joaquin Phoenix did it for a couple of years and it's considered art.

Count me among the people who wish they were wealthy enough to pull off what GA-1 is doing. Unfortunately, the unicorn sitting at my desk with me says I'm not wealthy enough to pull this off and I should quit talking about him.

The Minotaur seems pretty upset too.

Mmmmmm. Forbidden doughnut.

I recently stopped by Sheetz in the West End of Huntington on my way home from work. I needed to wet my whistle and I absolutely love their sweet tea.

Before I go on, I have to note that I love to eat. Anyone who has ever seen me in person can vouch for that. Years of gluttony are finally taking their toll in the form of various physical ailments. So it's time to start taking care of myself by eating right and exercising. It was the very day I had made up my mind to get my physical house in order that I met them.


They sat in the doughnut racks so tender and soft. Their red fluffy goodness highlighted by a hearty drizzling of white cream frosting. I'm talking of course about the red velvet doughnut.

I love red velvet cake. It's my favorite cake hands down. Nothing can compare. Don't give me this chocolate mudslide business because it just won't cut it with me. Red velvet cake is what God serves in heaven. Look it up, it's in the book of Daniel somewhere.

But my discovery of this beautiful, succulent, deep fried red velvety creation on the very day I had decided I was going to take better care of myself can only be attributed to one person ...

I know that when push came to shove that I myself and nobody else made the decision to buy two of the doughnuts. Let me tell you dear readers, they were everything I had hoped for and more. It was tempted by the dark ruler of the netherworld and I failed!

I hope my life doesn't end up like the Simpson's Tree House of Horror episode where Homer offered to sell his soul for the most delicious doughnut. Of course Satan, in the form of Ned Flanders, offered Homer the doughnut. Long story short, we find out that Homer couldn't resist the doughnut and ended up in hell. Hell, as it turn out, is full of ironic punishments. Homer's punishment was to eat doughnuts for eternity until he was sick of them.

Could this be me?

I hope not. I'll get back on track next week. But tonight I plan on getting a few more red velvet doughnuts. 

Evil never tasted so sweet.

Here I am!

So it's finally happened. I've decided to become a blogger.

I'll be needing that $50,000 advance now.  What?  That's not how this thing works?  I have to do it for free?  Who decided this was a good idea in the first place?  Oh yeah, I did.

This blog, like everything else in my life that's weird, strange, painful and uncalled for, I have no one to blame but myself.

Here's how I see joining this blogging thing:  I'm usually 20 minutes late to anything and everything. So I'm getting around to blogging about 5 years after everyone else started theirs and have moved on to more productive things. Being late is just how I roll. (Are the kids still using the phrase "how I roll?")

When I die I hope they gather everyone in the funeral home, have a few songs and then let everyone sit in awkward silence for 20 minutes.

Then roll in my casket.

It seems only fitting.