Mmmmmm. Forbidden doughnut.

I recently stopped by Sheetz in the West End of Huntington on my way home from work. I needed to wet my whistle and I absolutely love their sweet tea.

Before I go on, I have to note that I love to eat. Anyone who has ever seen me in person can vouch for that. Years of gluttony are finally taking their toll in the form of various physical ailments. So it's time to start taking care of myself by eating right and exercising. It was the very day I had made up my mind to get my physical house in order that I met them.


They sat in the doughnut racks so tender and soft. Their red fluffy goodness highlighted by a hearty drizzling of white cream frosting. I'm talking of course about the red velvet doughnut.

I love red velvet cake. It's my favorite cake hands down. Nothing can compare. Don't give me this chocolate mudslide business because it just won't cut it with me. Red velvet cake is what God serves in heaven. Look it up, it's in the book of Daniel somewhere.

But my discovery of this beautiful, succulent, deep fried red velvety creation on the very day I had decided I was going to take better care of myself can only be attributed to one person ...

I know that when push came to shove that I myself and nobody else made the decision to buy two of the doughnuts. Let me tell you dear readers, they were everything I had hoped for and more. It was tempted by the dark ruler of the netherworld and I failed!

I hope my life doesn't end up like the Simpson's Tree House of Horror episode where Homer offered to sell his soul for the most delicious doughnut. Of course Satan, in the form of Ned Flanders, offered Homer the doughnut. Long story short, we find out that Homer couldn't resist the doughnut and ended up in hell. Hell, as it turn out, is full of ironic punishments. Homer's punishment was to eat doughnuts for eternity until he was sick of them.

Could this be me?

I hope not. I'll get back on track next week. But tonight I plan on getting a few more red velvet doughnuts. 

Evil never tasted so sweet.

Here I am!

So it's finally happened. I've decided to become a blogger.

I'll be needing that $50,000 advance now.  What?  That's not how this thing works?  I have to do it for free?  Who decided this was a good idea in the first place?  Oh yeah, I did.

This blog, like everything else in my life that's weird, strange, painful and uncalled for, I have no one to blame but myself.

Here's how I see joining this blogging thing:  I'm usually 20 minutes late to anything and everything. So I'm getting around to blogging about 5 years after everyone else started theirs and have moved on to more productive things. Being late is just how I roll. (Are the kids still using the phrase "how I roll?")

When I die I hope they gather everyone in the funeral home, have a few songs and then let everyone sit in awkward silence for 20 minutes.

Then roll in my casket.

It seems only fitting.