The magic of the mystery tape

Think about the things kids today will never know or experience that was once just a part of life.

Kids today can only look at things like the cold war, glam rock and Crystal Pepsi through the prism of history. They'll never watch in horror as Michael Jackson turned white. They'll never know a world where tobacco commercials were on TV.

This one's for you kids. If you look closely you can actually see testosterone dripping from your screen. Don't worry if your monitor, phone or tablet grow a pair of testicles after watching this video. That's completely normal. Things were more manly back in my day.

But the greatest tragedy of all is the loss of the one thing that bonded us all together. The thing that allowed us to convey our feelings to that special girl or to copy that rad Falco song from the radio.

The Cassette Tape

Even more exciting was the tape that you forgot to label. What could be on there?

What's on here? Only one way to find out. Get the jambox, Jimmy!

Is it the mix tape you made for Tammi? Or is it the mix tape for Chasity? It could be the one you made for Jennifer. Does it matter? You obviously still have it so you didn't have the nuts to give it to anyone. Maybe if you would have watched more Red Man commercials as a child ...

Every teenager in the 80s and early 90s had a room full of cassette tapes. If you were like me you labeled some. A few that I remember were "Outlaws" and "Skynyrd."

I knew exactly what was on some of my unlabeled ones. Bands that a good Baptist boy shouldn't have. It was just prudent to leave these blank and it was also wise to spring for the more expensive blank tapes when getting your copy. After all, you wanted Venom and Danzig coming through in as clear a stereo sound as a reproduction could give you.

Was this Danzig or Venom? Oh no, it's my copy of A Flock of Seagulls.
Thank goodness I found this, I have a date tonight! 

The cheap ones were reserved for making those mix tapes filled with wall-to-wall power ballads that expressed your emotions more than words or flowers ever could. They were also handy for copying your favorite Top 40 song from the radio.

Copying songs off the radio proved to be trickier than it may seem. You'd wait and wait. You'd suffer through Whitney Houston, Wham and Ready for the World waiting for Starship's We Built This City.

What? We Built This City is an awesome song. I'll slap anyone across the face with the entrails of a rabid skunk who disagrees.

Then, as the lyrics start, you hit the record button. It's perfect. You got it just as Grace Slick and Mickey Thomas start with "We built this city ..." But when the bridge begins the DJ starts talking over the music.

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?

The rage would fill you from head to toe. You couldn't help it. You'd throw your head back and scream. "DAMN YOU DJ! DAMN YOU TO THE PITS OF DJ HELL!"

This seems like appropriate punishment. Throw in some Jay-Z and we're getting somewhere.

A mix tape seems so innocent now. Kids today just take a picture of their crotch and send it to the ones they like. Who knew a ballad by Ozzie Osborne and Lita Ford could seem so innocent?

There's a head biting joke in here, but it seems too easy.